Thursday, August 23, 2001

är det nu som jag ska försöka påstå att jag har varit så förbannat jävla lycklig att jag bara inte har haft tid att skriva?

Sunday, July 01, 2001

måste allting vara så förbannat jobbigt? och ida är försvunnen förstås.. jag vill ringa, men samtidigt så undrar jag om hon.. hon drar sig undan eftersom hon är trött på alla...inklusive mig, och i så fall så skulle jag bara tränga mig på..
är jag för hård mot folk? om man bara tittar under ytan lite grand...så verkar.. så känsliga.. gör jag fel?
det handlar om riktiga människor, inte...låtsaspersoner, fiktiva.. men det är så svårt att se bakom orden.. bakom allt som bara.. allt som jag har sagt är inte jag.. det mesta jag säger är inte jag.. delar kanske, men inte hela jag, så varför är jag så snabb att döma andra? hur kan man vara så förbannat kall och okänslig?
så, förlåt mig, men jag måste skada något.
vilken del av mig är på riktigt?

Friday, June 22, 2001

om man är riktigt ij-ig, eller för mycket som mig, kan man kanske ha en söt flicka vid sidan om verkligheten... eller också kan man försvinna till indigo alldeles alldeles själv, supa sig riktigt full och ta en taxi hem och bara vilja gråta...

Monday, June 04, 2001

javisst ja! dbz var det ju. freeza...
hur var det nu..? orkar inte direkt tänka...

Wednesday, May 30, 2001

internet explorer verkar inte gilla times new roman efter att jag tog bort alla de där tecken-plug-insen. inte för att jag bryr mig särskilt, bara bra med oläsligheter ibland. man slipper läsa allt trist.
hur ger man egentligen upp att försöka leva? det känns som om jag skulle göra det om jag bara visste hur.
visst är det fan vad alla nätmänniskor är ytliga! "tyck synd om mig, jag är sinnesrubbad och deprimerad och blah blah blah" jovisst...

Tuesday, May 29, 2001

there are all these things that i feel bad about, although they don't even really matter to me. i mean, i don't really want a site. i just want somewhere to write every now and then, but i still i feel bad because i haven't coded a large amount of neat html. and i couldn't care less for 'angsty' (yeah right... angst is physical, not something that depends on how many 'awful' experiences you manage to pile up) fanfics, but i still feel bad because i'm not 'contributing' or whatever. and i don't even like half the people i email, but i still feel bad because those emails may not reach their recipient because of some fucking server error or something.
all this 'net related shit that comes to mind just because i happen to be sitting by my computer... it's ridiculous. i wish i'd get sick so i'd at least have something to blame.
'skin up, pin up'... i have to find the cd.
i don't know... i mean, i just... it's like... i feel so blah.
it's like i want to be some adored fucking goddess or something, and instead i just feel like a worthless little kid... and i still feel like shit because i've never been able to do anything that'd be even remotely worthy of adoration. well, i'm sort of concluding that no one else is worthy of adoration either, but how the fuck am i supposed to feel better just because everybody else are just as uncreative and dull as me? okay, so it does make me feel a little better. as well as a fair deal more cynic. and more obnoxious. well, i wouldn't really want to be around myself right now, so maybe i shouldn't blame people for avoiding me.
anyway... yeah, the good part... ah, just scew it, i'm so frustrated... i have nothing better to do than to indulge in sexual fantasies. just realized that masochism in others doesn't do anything for me. heh...i'm all for sadism though. i had to file down my nails. just when they were long enough...
why are all the girls i know so fucking hard to reach? it just sucks... i could go out and get a guy in no time, but what good would that do?
i used to feel so guilty for fantasizing. now i just... well, maybe not quite 'over-do' it, but... i should just make up a scene... (oh, i do.) i still laugh at it all. except when i angst, but screw that. don't think about it and it'll go away. not really, but...whatever.

Sunday, May 27, 2001

how can i envy people for their lack of realism? for their way of being, writing, acting as if they're part of an action movie?
well...it sounds good. actually i think that's the only reason. beauty will always make up for all flaws. if you can make it sound good, you can tell someone anything and they'll believe you. either that, or they won't believe you but still accept what you're saying. because it sounds good. people want to believe what sounds good. i guess i do too, and that's why i'm envious.
i can't say things just because they sound good. i always have to try to convey what twisted version of truth i'm currently believing in. and the truth (or what i believe to be the truth, which in fact are two completely different things of course) is usually pretty dull. pure fantasy sounds so much better, even if no one would ever act or think or believe that way if they were ever faced with those imaginary situations in real life.